Wanted -- One Miracle .... ASAP!!!!

I absolutely adore my daughter.

I am absolutely furious with my daughter.

It looks like she will be getting her driver's license back soon. That's good, and will be a relief, but it's also a worry. I have hinted to her that she will not have the same freedoms with the car that she enjoyed before her DUI. She has told me that she will fight this! However, the car is registered to us, not to her, so we can certainly make this stick. The other option is to sell the car, and I'm willing.

Current plan: she will be able to use the car pretty much whenever she likes, but she needs to let us know where she will be and when she will return. NO DRINKING AND DRIVING period (she agrees with that part). If she doesn't comply, then she'll use the car only to travel to and from work and for court-related business. If that doesn't work, we sell the car and she can take public transportation.

She will argue this! I plan to ask her to explain to me how she has demonstrated her ability to be responsible enough for us to trust over the past few months. (of course, she knows very well she has demonstrated nothing of the kind, but she will make many promises) I will then explain to her how she has demonstrated that we can't trust her with our property (let me count the ways!!!).

She will agree reluctantly and will try to "get around" us. I hate this, but that's what will happen.

Here is what's ripping me up -- I'm SO angry with her for all she has put us through! Yet, I love her so very much. She's not seen much of that lately, and I know she's just as angry at herself if not more. I don't want to drive her to self-destruct, or (worst case scenario) suicide. I haven't seen any inkling of that yet, but the thought terrifies me.

Our family needs a miracle about now! I know of nothing else that will bring us through. I'm praying, and I know others are too.

An early valentine for Curtis

Winter is here for sure! It has snowed 3 out of the last 4 weekends, after a warm and snow-free start. The weather folks say we are heading into a warmer and dryer pattern, and I'm hoping they know what they are talking about. Snow does cramp my style!

I wanted to note that I am feeling a greater appreciation for Curtis, my husband. He went out to California to "rescue" his mom from being alone with dementia and no family. He handled everything very well, even getting stranded at the airport with her on the way back. He got her settled into an independant living facility here, visits her twice a day to give her her medication because she would forget that she took it, and puts up with her taking little sniping jibes at him. Additionally, he goes out in snowstorms in the middle of the night to pick up Laura from work, because her license is still suspended. He makes sure to take our son Brian out to eat for their customary weekend meals out. I worry about him getting burned out, and have pretty much made sure he's not doing too many chores around the house. He's a really giving person, and I hope he's finding enough time for himself!

I have to admit I haven't thought too much about Curtis for several years -- I've pretty much taken him for granted. He can get on my last nerve at times. I haven't been very loving with him! I just haven't been the wife he deserves. I've been too wrapped up with my own stuff... too wrapped up with the kids... And I don't really know how to fix it now!

What I'm doing is just trying to be nicer, more thoughtful, more attentive. It's a good place to start. I want to mend the fences between us. I'm not even sure he is aware there are fences to be mended! But I know. And I'm going to have to be the one to start it. He's got enough on his plate now with his mom around!

In the end, in a few years his mom will be gone and our kids will have moved on. I hope by then we'll have a great comfortable relationship we can enjoy!

Not just good, but.... Grrrrrrrrrr-eat!!!!!!

Hear me roar!!! I had such a splendid workout this morning! Oh, it's so grand to start out a day like this.

I had planned a low intensity step workout this morning, but at the last moment I changed my mind and grabbed Cathe Friedrich's new Low Impact Circuit. I did the cardio blast premix. I had done this one only once before and didn't remember being all that impressed with it. It is low impact (good for my knees), but quite high intensity. It's about 50 minutes, and by the time I got done my hair was all matted to my head by sweat! The sign of a great cardio session! (though it might be scary to small children!!) Then I grabbed the 10 Minute Solution Dance dvd and did the Ab Attack portion, which is all standing ab work, done dance-style. Great great fun!

This is how a workout can change the complexion of a day. I went to pour my post-workout cup of coffee (a much-anticipated reward after my morning workouts) only to find my coffeemaker had malfunctioned! There was no coffee to be had! Well, many a morning there would have been wailing and gnashing of teeth (not quite, but it would have been traumatic). This morning, I simply grabbed a jar of Instant and dealt with it. I had so many good vibes from the workout that even the lack of my brewed coffee couldn't knock me off my pace!

How blessed I am, that I love to work out and that I can have these wonderful sessions to start my day!

Casting Out Demons

I am trying to break a bad habit. It's not important to say here what that habit is! It's been going on for over 6 years now, though, and I've tried off and on before to break it. There are times I have been successful -- for a short while. Then either I miss it and and seek it out again (just this once -- riiiiiiiight!!!) or it sort of "finds" me without my effort, and I fall back in.

I was reading in the Bible the other night. In the Book of Luke, Jesus talks about how a demon, once cast out, looks around for a new host. If he doesn't find one, he returns to the place he was cast out from, and, finding it swept clean, moves back in and takes over more forcefully than ever before. And it hit me like a brick!

It's not enough to just stop doing a bad behavior!! No, even self-destructive behaviors are feeding some kind of deep need. In order to REALLY break the bond, we must find another way to feed that need.

For example, I had WLS and it inhibited me in my overeating. I struggled with "head hunger" and for awhile, I "grazed", short-circuiting my weight loss. Eventually I took control and the pounds came off. How was I feeding the "inner hunger"? Well, I replaced the overeating with shopping for cute clothes and the adventure of experiencing things I could never do as an obese person. Later I added in exercise videos and workout clothes. I see that "acquisition" tends to be a theme in my life. This particular habit I'm working on now is yet another aspect of the need to HAVE.

It's not even that this thing fully feeds that inner hunger. No, rather it feeds some aspects of it in a way I've not approached before, but falls woefully short in all other areas. It's been more frustrating than satisfying. The "benefits" it gives me are not worth the cost -- the frustrations and more importantly the loss of my self-respect.

So the healthy acquisitions are the "keepers" and the self-destructive ones (the current one being the most urgent) are the ones that need to be replaced. It's not enough to just stop -- the hunger has to be fed! If it's not, then I'll find myself reaching out again in a few short days or weeks, or being tempted again and falling -- sooner or later.

What can I find -- something healthy and positive -- to refill the empty places? I know that the inner me can acquire fullness by giving instead of getting! When I worked with kids choir at church, I really got a lot of inner satisfaction. And playing the piano was another way of feeding the inner me.

So, now that the self-destructive behavior is on hiatus, I need to find a replacement. Something positive, that will make me feel good about myself. A couple of things come to mind to start with:
1. Returning to studying my Bible on my own. It feeds my soul and my brain.
2. Returning to my piano playing. That will be a little harder because of time constraints, but I'm going to give it a try.
I've done these things before, though. So I'm still desperately seeking something to fill that inner need -- before that demon comes back, finds a clean house and moves back in!

There you have it! A mission...

In Love Again!

Ever since Laura blasted away my first workout of the year, I have been having problems with motivation. I just hadn't been feeling the love anymore! Getting up to work out became a chore and a burden. However, I continued to do my workouts, and I did have fun doing them -- once I forced myself to get started. But I guess I felt like something sacred to me was violated. I made way more of a big deal out of it than it really was, as far as what she said! After all, it was just a drunk girl who was angry at herself lashing out at the nearest person! That is a concern on a whole other level, of course, but it shouldn't effect my workouts at all.

But somehow this weekend the joy came back. I guess it was Saturday -- I did a Turbo Jam I haven't done very often, followed by one of my favorite "The Firm" workouts. Somewhere during that time, I lost track of time and just got INTO it again. Oh, it felt so good! I had thought seriously about taking Sunday off from working out -- it's usually an "active rest day" for me, which just means I do something less intense. But I decided to do a Latin dance workout and it went will too. And then this morning I joined Gilad in "Getting Fit in Jerusalem", which I just think is such a FUN workout! So I think I'm back in the groove. God, I'm so glad.

As for Laura, I've been a little cold with her ever since New Year's. She has really been on her best behavior, even getting up on her own to go to church with us. She has been pleasant most of the time too. I just hope she is beginning to get the concept that there ARE consequences to your actions, and you can't erase them by "acting nice". It hurts me and I really miss the warm relationship we have often enjoyed in the past. I hope she'll start meeting her responsibilities -- she has fines she has to pay and other obligations the court has imposed. So far she has been ignoring them, and other than giving her an occasional reminder, I have left everything up to her. She got herself into this situation and will have to get herself out.

In the meantime, my love for her is undimmed by all this. I know she's hurting, and I hurt with her, though right now I'm not showing that side to her. I know she feels bad for what she has put the family through. I know she loves us. I hope we'll connect again someday -- I think it will happen. She has lots of people praying for her!

I'm glad my exercise apathy appears to have been a momentary thing. I think it's like any great love! Sometimes, when you are in love, your ardor cools and maybe the person even annoys you. And then you fall in love all over again! And somehow the attachment is stronger than ever.

We had the lovliest fluffy snowfall yesterday! Today I'm freezing my butt off, but the roads are clear and the sun is out.

All is well.

The New Year's Eve Fiasco

I always have high hopes for a new year, particularly when the old year was not such a good one. 2006 was one of the most stressful years I ever had! So I faced 2007 with hope that perhaps the sunshine would come back soon.

On New Year's eve, my daughter Laura snuck out of the house and went to a party. She is 19 and on probation for DUI. We missed her after about 15 minutes and tried to call her. She didn't answer for quite awhile; when she finally did she told us where she was and that she would be back "whenever". Of course I was furious! Needless to say, 2006 ended with yet another sleep-deprived night.

When I came down to work out on New Year's morning, she was passed out on the sofa, dead drunk. I tried to get her to go upstairs, and she jumped up, started breakfast for herself and raged at me, calling me a "crazy bitch". I know it was liquor talking, so I tried to ignore her and started my workout.

Then she started sneering at me. She said I was a joke and looked stupid. I was doing a step workout -- one of my favorites, in fact -- and she was making all these mean remarks in the background. I almost lost my concentration and tripped a couple of times.

I kept everything together until she finally went upstairs. When I finished the workout, I collapsed in tears -- not because of the stupid stuff she said, of course, but because she was so cruel and obviously hates me so much. My husband came in and wrapped me in his arms, sweaty though I was!

Later on when she was sobered up, I told her that what she said was very cruel and that if she really hates me so much, she should move out. She claimed not remember saying those things and claimed she does not hate me. That night she left me a beautiful note, apologizing for what she said, assuring me she is proud of me for the way I work out and that she hates only herself. It would have meant something to me to get a note like that not too long ago!

But I have detached myself from her since then. I love her with all my heart. I would kick her out of the house, but honestly she doesn't have anywhere to go and I would never be able to live with myself if I kicked her out and something horrible happened to her. So all I can do is hold on, knowing that once she gets through her legal stuff, she'll want to get away from us as much as I want her to leave! We can sign the car over to her (once she gets her license back) so we won't be legally liable for anything she does and let her live her life whatever way she wants to live it.

She has been on her good behavior since the New Year's eve fiasco. But I don't believe anything she says and I haven't even gotten into all the hassles her eating disorder are causing for us! Home is no longer a haven for me! There is no safe place.

Anyway, 2007 is off to a poor start -- but I choose to believe the sunshine is out there somewhere. May it come soon!

Blog-challenged blonde

Happy 2007!

So, for days now I've been trying to get into my blog. Well, I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I couldn't even get signed on. I tried and tried, and everything would just freeze up. I had so much I wanted to say!

Finally the moment arrived. I made another sign-on attempt and voila!!! There I was. Yay! I did the happy dance ... but wait!!! No blog to be found. It's still out there to read, but no way for me to get into it!!

So, after a few attempts I decided to re-create my original blog. This will make attempt number 3, and then this non-techie blonde will give up on blogging. Or try to find a "Host" that's a little more non-geek friendly!

Here goes... Keeping my fingers, toes and eyes crossed that I'll be able to get back in here some fine day!!