Night
Since the early morning of September 16 last year, nights have become fearful indeed. On that early Saturday morning, we got one of those phone calls all parents dread... the one that starts out "This is Officer ____...". Fortunately, the news (though bad) was not dreadful. It certainly could have been much much worse! But the phone call that shattered that night's peace also shattered, for me, the haven of being able to tune out the world in the darkness.
Over the last several months, my sleep at night was always light and easily disturbed. Laura is (as are many people in her age group) a creature of the night. She watched tv, she binged, she purged. For awhile I had a midnight "lights out" requirement, and she did try to comply. But so often I would have to rouse myself, go down and remind her that it was 1am (or later); after she was behind her closed door I would have trouble getting back to sleep. Eventually her job situation rendered the midnight curfew ridiculous -- you can't make somebody go to bed at midnight if they don't get off work until 8, 9, or later. So often I would be awakened at night by the sound of the microwave, or water running.
Things are so intense in the middle of the night! I remember long before I married, I worked a "graveyard" shift. I was a Keypunch operator (anybody remember what that was?) and my shift was 11:30pm-8am. Some of the strangest thoughts used to occur to me as I sat there entering data! It seemed so deep at the time, and later when I tried to explain it -- I was in counseling -- it just sounded silly. Night thoughts are not to be trusted, I have learned, but they seem so real when you are having them.
So, getting back to Laura -- I usually would drift off to sleep after being tormented by thoughts and worries. At 4am my alarm would go off and I would get up to exercise. It was a relief! My mind would concentrate on the movement -- I would find the joy in it, and could then face my day with strength of mind, even if the body was weary.
She moved out a couple of weeks ago. I am no longer awakened at night by her sounds. I'm sleeping better. That's good, right? Well, the funny thing is that it's almost harder to get up at 4am now! The alarm is no longer my rescuer from an hour or so of worry, but is the shatterer of my sound sleep. But that's okay! I'm sure my body appreciates the rest. And I still love the exercise, though it takes a few extra minutes to get it going at full throttle.
But still... while I slumber at night, my baby girl is somewhere out there. What is she doing? Is she safe? Is another, more dreadful phone call coming early some morning? What am I sleeping through?
When I was Laura's age, I did so many stupid things. If my parents had known of just a few of them, they wouldn't have slept at all. God's grace kept me from irreparable harm and my parents never had to know. I pray His Hand protects her and brings her through.
I saw her for awhile one evening last week. She had dinner with us. She looked well, seemed happy and was very friendly. She even proudly showed me her new belly button piercing (when I told her dad about it, he was horrified!).
Dear Lord -- please watch over, guard and protect my dearest treasure!
Over the last several months, my sleep at night was always light and easily disturbed. Laura is (as are many people in her age group) a creature of the night. She watched tv, she binged, she purged. For awhile I had a midnight "lights out" requirement, and she did try to comply. But so often I would have to rouse myself, go down and remind her that it was 1am (or later); after she was behind her closed door I would have trouble getting back to sleep. Eventually her job situation rendered the midnight curfew ridiculous -- you can't make somebody go to bed at midnight if they don't get off work until 8, 9, or later. So often I would be awakened at night by the sound of the microwave, or water running.
Things are so intense in the middle of the night! I remember long before I married, I worked a "graveyard" shift. I was a Keypunch operator (anybody remember what that was?) and my shift was 11:30pm-8am. Some of the strangest thoughts used to occur to me as I sat there entering data! It seemed so deep at the time, and later when I tried to explain it -- I was in counseling -- it just sounded silly. Night thoughts are not to be trusted, I have learned, but they seem so real when you are having them.
So, getting back to Laura -- I usually would drift off to sleep after being tormented by thoughts and worries. At 4am my alarm would go off and I would get up to exercise. It was a relief! My mind would concentrate on the movement -- I would find the joy in it, and could then face my day with strength of mind, even if the body was weary.
She moved out a couple of weeks ago. I am no longer awakened at night by her sounds. I'm sleeping better. That's good, right? Well, the funny thing is that it's almost harder to get up at 4am now! The alarm is no longer my rescuer from an hour or so of worry, but is the shatterer of my sound sleep. But that's okay! I'm sure my body appreciates the rest. And I still love the exercise, though it takes a few extra minutes to get it going at full throttle.
But still... while I slumber at night, my baby girl is somewhere out there. What is she doing? Is she safe? Is another, more dreadful phone call coming early some morning? What am I sleeping through?
When I was Laura's age, I did so many stupid things. If my parents had known of just a few of them, they wouldn't have slept at all. God's grace kept me from irreparable harm and my parents never had to know. I pray His Hand protects her and brings her through.
I saw her for awhile one evening last week. She had dinner with us. She looked well, seemed happy and was very friendly. She even proudly showed me her new belly button piercing (when I told her dad about it, he was horrified!).
Dear Lord -- please watch over, guard and protect my dearest treasure!
posted by Judy W. @ 1:06 PM
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