Dare I? Yes -- I'm going to say it...

I am down to 110 pounds! Actually, I spent most of the last week under that -- from 108 to 110. This morning was 109.5. Wow -- I think 110 is a great weight for me! My body looks tight and toned, if you ignore the little pockets of droopy skin (LOL).

That would make my net loss -- from the heaviest recorded non-pregnant weight -- a grand total of 195 pounds!

I'd love to keep this weight. Up until last summer, I was sticking in the 115-118 range and it worked pretty well. For a few years now, I always thought it would be great to get around 110. Since my hernia surgery I dropped a couple of pounds, and was now hanging around 112-115. Again, this was livable. But, oh -- 110!

A couple of months ago, I eliminated Coffeemate. I do drink many cups of coffee a day, so I knew the Coffeemate was probably adding 100 calories or most likely more! I really thought coffee without the mate was not something I would want to do, but really it doesn't taste that much different! It just looks more attractive with the mate I think. But that's no reason to have extra calories!

Coffeemate is not great for you, so I really eliminated it as much for the health benefits as for the calorie benefits. The goal wasn't to lose weight! But what a great bonus!

Also, since the weather is nicer, I've added evening walks to my workout schedule. I'm sure that has helped!

So we'll see -- is 110 a weight I can hold? I hope so!

Night

Since the early morning of September 16 last year, nights have become fearful indeed. On that early Saturday morning, we got one of those phone calls all parents dread... the one that starts out "This is Officer ____...". Fortunately, the news (though bad) was not dreadful. It certainly could have been much much worse! But the phone call that shattered that night's peace also shattered, for me, the haven of being able to tune out the world in the darkness.

Over the last several months, my sleep at night was always light and easily disturbed. Laura is (as are many people in her age group) a creature of the night. She watched tv, she binged, she purged. For awhile I had a midnight "lights out" requirement, and she did try to comply. But so often I would have to rouse myself, go down and remind her that it was 1am (or later); after she was behind her closed door I would have trouble getting back to sleep. Eventually her job situation rendered the midnight curfew ridiculous -- you can't make somebody go to bed at midnight if they don't get off work until 8, 9, or later. So often I would be awakened at night by the sound of the microwave, or water running.

Things are so intense in the middle of the night! I remember long before I married, I worked a "graveyard" shift. I was a Keypunch operator (anybody remember what that was?) and my shift was 11:30pm-8am. Some of the strangest thoughts used to occur to me as I sat there entering data! It seemed so deep at the time, and later when I tried to explain it -- I was in counseling -- it just sounded silly. Night thoughts are not to be trusted, I have learned, but they seem so real when you are having them.

So, getting back to Laura -- I usually would drift off to sleep after being tormented by thoughts and worries. At 4am my alarm would go off and I would get up to exercise. It was a relief! My mind would concentrate on the movement -- I would find the joy in it, and could then face my day with strength of mind, even if the body was weary.

She moved out a couple of weeks ago. I am no longer awakened at night by her sounds. I'm sleeping better. That's good, right? Well, the funny thing is that it's almost harder to get up at 4am now! The alarm is no longer my rescuer from an hour or so of worry, but is the shatterer of my sound sleep. But that's okay! I'm sure my body appreciates the rest. And I still love the exercise, though it takes a few extra minutes to get it going at full throttle.

But still... while I slumber at night, my baby girl is somewhere out there. What is she doing? Is she safe? Is another, more dreadful phone call coming early some morning? What am I sleeping through?

When I was Laura's age, I did so many stupid things. If my parents had known of just a few of them, they wouldn't have slept at all. God's grace kept me from irreparable harm and my parents never had to know. I pray His Hand protects her and brings her through.

I saw her for awhile one evening last week. She had dinner with us. She looked well, seemed happy and was very friendly. She even proudly showed me her new belly button piercing (when I told her dad about it, he was horrified!).

Dear Lord -- please watch over, guard and protect my dearest treasure!

Mother's Day

Last week I scurried around to buy, wrap, pack and mail my mom's Mother's Day gift so she would have it by today. I got her a workout outfit, isn't that cool? She works out at Curves -- at age 80 -- and it was fun shopping to find her something she could wear when she's there. I never ever thought the day would come when I would buy a workout outfit for my mom! Shopping for workout clothing is something I enjoy doing for myself, so it was especially neat to be able to share that with my mom.

Today we'll go to my mother-in-law's facility and have brunch with her. Her dementia is pretty well holding the line at this point -- not getting much worse. Since the weather has been nicer, we have been able to get her out and around more, and I'm sure that has helped her. However, taking her to a restaurant today for brunch would have meant making her face crowds and possible long waits. Her facility just hired a new chef (from a country club, no less) and they are doing a special brunch today. Maybe, if she's up to it, we'll have her over to the house a little later. She's pretty cute sometimes!

Shopping for HER wasn't a whole lot of fun. She's hard to please -- used to have very good taste in clothing -- but won't wear short sleeves or capris. I managed to find a very cute embroidered spring jacket for her! Hope she'll like it.

My daughter moved out Wednesday. I think it was the best thing for her, and for me too. I think she'll manage her eating disorder better living with other people (she moved in with a girlfriend). She has developed some good habits as far as work is concerned, and at times showed more conscientiousness as far as not trashing our home and trying to pick up after herself. I think in living with others she may be able to further develop in some of these areas. I'm concerned about partying, but the people she "hangs" with are quite responsible, even though they do party. Maybe she'll learn from their example. Maybe not.

In any case, I think I've done all I can for her at this point. What I've taught her she'll carry inside; she'll either draw from it or trash it. That choice is hers, and I can't control it. So -- I let go. With love, hope and prayers! May God see her through and keep her safe.

So, it's Mother's Day. Laura said she'll stop by after work to wish me Happy Mother's Day. Brian and Curtis both are being good to me. It's good to have "a day".

But I think of those tiny babies I gave birth to... the toddlers, the little girl determined to ride that bike without falling over, the little boy who I sat with through many a long night when coughing kept him awake, the sullen teens who occasionally smiled, let down their guard and laughed with me, the beautiful young lady in her prom gown, the proud high school graduates, the young man heading off to his first job.

God -- I hope I did my job right!

Remembering Daddy

It's been 25 years! It was March 14, 1982 -- a different world and I was a different person. When did everything change?

On March 14, 1982, I was a young bride, married not quite a year. Nobody owned a personal computer or a cell phone. There were no DVD players; VCRs and Beta players would shortly be on the scene. On television MTV had just gotten started and people talked about music videos maybe being the wave of the future. We watched 'Dallas' on tv. The Soviet Union was alive and well. Our country still bore the scars of Watergate; Ronald Reagan was the President and though we hadn't yet heard the phrase, it was morning in America.

I remember coming home from work on Friday, March 12. I was so glad it was Friday and so looking forward to a quiet night at home! The phone rang; it was my brother Gerry with the news that Mom and Daddy had been in an auto accident and Daddy was hurt pretty badly. Curtis was at work that evening, so Gerry picked me up and we drove from Orange County, California out to Loma Linda Hospital near San Bernardino.

We sat for hours waiting for news! I remember SCTV was playing some late night thing that made us hysterical with laughter as we waited to talk to the doctor. We dozed, we hit the vending machine for the very slim pickings. Finally the doctor came in. Daddy was critical and only time would tell. We left in the wee hours of Saturday and went to Mom's house. She was bruised and dazed.

Saturday and Sunday we drove back and forth to the hospital with Mom. Daddy was awake, had a breathing tube and quite agitated. Curtis joined us at some point. Sunday afternoon, March 14, we returned to Mom's house and were getting ready to head back to Orange County for the work week. Just as we were about to go out the door, the phone rang. It was the hospital telling us to come. "Drive safely, but get here as quickly as you can." By the time we arrived, Daddy was gone.

It didn't compute! The man was the ground where my life had its roots. He had a history of heart trouble and had been near death several times, but he always pulled through. It hadn't occurred to me that after almost 2 days he would die from this! We were numb. I remember going down in the elevator afterwards and a couple of kids got on who were laughing and having fun. I thought -- "Oh -- yeah! Real life..." It was comforting because we felt like we were suspended in some kind of unreal place.

Daddy was the first man I ever adored, of course! But my obesity drove a wedge between us. He wanted me to be fit and healthy. I remember when I was in 8th grade, he offered me $100 for a new wardrobe (in 1962 that would have been plenty) if I could get to 120 pounds. I never got there until many years after he died, though I came close a few times! Throughout my teen years, he paid for diet doctors and exercise programs and other sundry cures in hope of my becoming thin. I know my obesity worried him, and though he tried to not let me know it, I know he was ashamed of his fat daughter too. I took that shame upon myself. Bottom line though -- he loved me, and dreamed of the best for me!

He never met my children, Brian and Laura. How he would have adored them! Laura would have reminded him of his mother, who died when he was a young boy. I wonder if he would have remembered that August 19th, the day Laura was born, was also his mother's birthday! I never learned that until just a few years ago.

He never saw me conquer my obesity. But I did conquer it, Daddy! When last you saw me, I was a pudgy young bride; now I'm a fit middle aged mom. I love my children as you loved me and my heart is battered with pride, torment, heartbreak on account of that love. I blame myself for their problems; I pray for their safety and wellbeing. I understand -- now -- what you felt, and I forgive you for any hurt you caused me.

Twenty-five years are gone! My belief is that I'll see him again in some better place. Until then, may he rest in peace. He'll live always in my heart.

The Blizzard of 2007

Or ... How I Discovered I am NOT Meant for Colder Climates!!!


On Thursday, March 1, I saw my very first bonafide blizzard. If I never see another one, I'll be just fine, thanks!

Last weekend was pretty well ruined for me because we had about 5" of snow. I was on call for work and had to help staff shifts that people were calling in for. So, instead of sitting by my fire on a Saturday evening watching the pretty snow fall, I was on the phone trying to talk people into going out in it to take jobs. No fun. But by Sunday morning, the melt began and the weather guys said smooth sailing for the forseeable future.

By Monday, another warm day with more melting, the weather guys said we might catch the tail end of a weather system come the middle of the week. It might be rain or a rain/snow mixture, depending on just how the system came together. As the week went on the talk became more ominous and by Wednesday morning, we were expecting rain changing to ice changing to snow to the tune of 4 -- 6 inches. The wind would cut down on visibility. It was supposed to hit Wednesday night.

So Thursday morning I got up around 4 to work out as I always do. I glanced outside and saw just a dusting of new snow, and it wasn't doing anything else. But by the time I got done with my workout, it was coming down hard sideways! I showered, looked out again and it was piling up fast. Like the winter weenie I am, I decided to call in for work -- something I hadn't done in more than 2 years.

Weather guys were still saying 5-8 inches by this time. But it was coming down hard and fast and by 9am some places already had 9 inches. And it was still coming down!

Laura happened to be off work that day. Brian's was cancelled, but Curtis had gone ahead on in. Around noon, his company as well as many others, decided to close and dismiss. So he had to fight his way home on roads he couldn't even see! He made it, but got stuck in the alleyway behind the house.

The snow stopped around 1-ish. We had more than a foot on the ground. And the roads were totally impassable.

Friday I SO wanted to call in again! But I sucked it up. The roads were horrible and more snow was expected. The wind was still high too. However, it went well for me. Though snow was spitting all day long, I was able to get home alright. However, shortly after I got home a snow squall passed through with almost whiteout conditions! It was gone within 20 minutes, but I knew Curtis and Brian were out in it. They made it home safely.

I thought we were through it until just after 8. Laura was due home from work. About 8:20 she called; she was in the alleyway and stuck. Curtis went down to try to help, but she got impatient and managed to break the clutch! So her car was blocking the alley. We called AAA; they said it might be 14 hours before they could get to us! I could just see the cops coming out and impounding the thing... But AAA came around 5 in the morning. And it's going to cost plenty to replace that clutch.

So -- my emotional reaction was not what I would want. I tend to feel that the storms of winter are aimed right at me. Stupid of course! But when that clutch broke I just fell apart. Oh, I had so had it with winter and snow and spinning tires and the awful sound they make! And with the fear of going out in it and getting stuck -- they spoke on the news of people who were stuck for HOURS on the road! And with the fear of getting in an accident and getting hurt. And with the HORRIBLE fear of being safe at home and knowing somebody I love is still out there battling to get home. I just fell apart, fretted most of the night and didn't sleep well at all.

I need to get some perspective on this. We've been here 9 years now and have dealt with winter before this. It's often inconvenient. But, in Tennessee we dealt with winter as well. The winters aren't as harsh there, but they can't cope with it as well when it does come. Just a few inches of snow can shut the town down! We also dealt with severe spring weather -- we do that here as well! In California we dealt with flooding and earthquakes. And God-awful traffic! This has been vastly inconvenient and nothing like the romantic winters I envisioned when I lived in the warmer climates. However, we remain safe, healthy and together. I call that a blessing. I need to enjoy that blessing while I still have it! Who knows how long I'll have it?

That same day a tornado struck a high school in Enterprise, Alabama. Children died, families were struck from nowhere with a devastating blow they never saw coming. It happens every day! I have to embrace my blessings -- even if I do have to pay for a broken clutch. I have my home, my family. And a winter wonderland! (well, I'm not embracing that particular blessing)

It's March now. Winter's days are numbered. I hope there is little if any snow left for us! I heard on the news that the Sandhill Cranes have begun their annual spring migration -- I hope it's because they sense that it's safe to come back.

And by the time I go to work tomorrow, the major roads will be pretty well back to normal. A blessing! While I sit in the morning rush, I'll embrace it.

To Set Myself Straight...

Curtis' mom is becoming a royal pain. She was apparently 90 pounds of holy terror in the hospital, to the point where they had to tie her down. The first night she was there, the phone rang shortly after we went to bed; the staff asked Curtis to come over and try to calm her down. He went, had no effect and they ended up having to drug and restrain her. The last night she was there she called after midnight and demanded he come get her out. (There was a bit of a blizzard raging at the time) Then she called in the morning and left a snide message about how he double crossed her.

She is checked in now at the medical center of her residential facility to be evaluated as to whether she can return to her independent living or whether she will need a greater level of care. She is much more rational now that she is not in the hospital, but it's almost like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'm having hard feelings, and this makes me feel awful! I keep reminding myself that she and Curtis' dad GAVE us the money for the downpayment of our first home -- an outright gift. That she drove me around in my last month of pregnancy when I had such a hard time carrying a huge baby, my own 300+ pounds and was dealing with toxemia and gestational diabetes. That when the kids were little and we couldn't always get out, she would always bring us a spaghetti dinner to go whenever they went to our favorite spaghetti place. Of all the innumerable kindnesses she poured on my family and me over the years! And of her unselfish devotion to her own son, my husband, during his childhood. And how she nursed her husband in their home during his final days, allowing him to die at home in his own bed.

This mean woman we see at times is not my mother-in-law! This is the horrible disease of dementia. It wears her face and speaks with her voice, but it's not her.

In my work, we refer caregivers to people like my mother-in-law -- the elderly who need assistance their families cannot provide. Now I know first hand what our clients' families live with. Man, what a devastating disease!

I hoped maybe typing this out would help me sort it out in my mind. I want to give her -- and my husband, her son -- the same loving support she has given us over the years. The hard feelings have to go!!

I didn't sleep well last night. Too much stuff going through my mind. Sometimes in the wee hours it feels that the world is just closing in! Imagine that very normal middle-of-the-night feeling when you are afflicted with dementia! No wonder they had to tie her down...

This morning I did my "active rest" workout -- a fun Latin dance routine followed by a great 15 minute stretch segment. This week's rotation will feature aerobic/toning mix, a long dance routine, my newest step workout and probably some Turbo Jam somewhere along the line. I haven't narrowed down the Thursday and Saturday workouts yet. Planning is always part of the fun!

Moms, Daughters, Sweatin' and Laughter! -- oh my

Well, my mother-in-law got admitted to the hospital after all yesterday! She was feverish and dehydrated. Because of the dementia, she was unable to follow a course of medication and drinking juice, so they admitted her. What a Valentine's Day! I didn't see Curtis at all until 11pm. He was so tired! He'd been with her all day.

It was funny, though! I knew he had bought me something last week because he told me the ATM amount but wouldn't show the receipt. But then this morning he said he was sorry he hadn't gotten me anything because of all the stuff with his mom! So tonight I said, "Didn't you get me something when you were at Border's last weekend?" He squinted, then said "Oh YEAH!!!" and gave me the classic movie DVD he had picked up. All the stuff with his mom knocked it clear out of his memory banks! We agreed it was a pretty hideous Valentine's Day and got a good laugh out of it.

Laura is, I think, doing well with her new job and liking it alright. She is aware that she doesn't HAVE to like her job! I've had jobs I hated, but I went because I had to, and she's pretty much in the same position now. Fortunately I love the one I have now! Anyway, I don't think she hates this one; maybe she'll like it and maybe this will be a turning point, now that she has the license back! Hope springs eternal.

And I did a workout this morning that I haven't done in probably a year. I had dismissed it as "too easy", but I enjoyed the heck out of it! I concentrated on form and really got some good out of it. I think the "too easy" rap came about because it's intended for women over 40 (and I certainly qualify!). Being in good shape, I thought I was beyond that. But a good workout can grow with you, and I am finding more and more that some of my old favorites are still fun and challenging! Truly, it's not the exercise that makes the difference, but the effort you put into it.

I'm still working on breaking away from my particular "demon"! Oh, the mind understands so much, but the emotions get so tangled. I've escaped other snares, and I KNOW victory is out there! I'm plugging away.

Minus 5 degrees was today's low!!! But -- they have PROMISED a Pattern Change and a Warming Trend. Amen, and amen! Bring it on.