Flights of a Fitness Angel

Dare I? Yes -- I'm going to say it...

2007-06-02T09:42:00.000-07:00

I am down to 110 pounds! Actually, I spent most of the last week under that -- from 108 to 110. This morning was 109.5. Wow -- I think 110 is a great weight for me! My body looks tight and toned, if you ignore the little pockets of droopy skin (LOL).

That would make my net loss -- from the heaviest recorded non-pregnant weight -- a grand total of 195 pounds!

I'd love to keep this weight. Up until last summer, I was sticking in the 115-118 range and it worked pretty well. For a few years now, I always thought it would be great to get around 110. Since my hernia surgery I dropped a couple of pounds, and was now hanging around 112-115. Again, this was livable. But, oh -- 110!

A couple of months ago, I eliminated Coffeemate. I do drink many cups of coffee a day, so I knew the Coffeemate was probably adding 100 calories or most likely more! I really thought coffee without the mate was not something I would want to do, but really it doesn't taste that much different! It just looks more attractive with the mate I think. But that's no reason to have extra calories!

Coffeemate is not great for you, so I really eliminated it as much for the health benefits as for the calorie benefits. The goal wasn't to lose weight! But what a great bonus!

Also, since the weather is nicer, I've added evening walks to my workout schedule. I'm sure that has helped!

So we'll see -- is 110 a weight I can hold? I hope so!

Night

2007-05-20T13:06:00.000-07:00

Since the early morning of September 16 last year, nights have become fearful indeed. On that early Saturday morning, we got one of those phone calls all parents dread... the one that starts out "This is Officer ____...". Fortunately, the news (though bad) was not dreadful. It certainly could have been much much worse! But the phone call that shattered that night's peace also shattered, for me, the haven of being able to tune out the world in the darkness.

Over the last several months, my sleep at night was always light and easily disturbed. Laura is (as are many people in her age group) a creature of the night. She watched tv, she binged, she purged. For awhile I had a midnight "lights out" requirement, and she did try to comply. But so often I would have to rouse myself, go down and remind her that it was 1am (or later); after she was behind her closed door I would have trouble getting back to sleep. Eventually her job situation rendered the midnight curfew ridiculous -- you can't make somebody go to bed at midnight if they don't get off work until 8, 9, or later. So often I would be awakened at night by the sound of the microwave, or water running.

Things are so intense in the middle of the night! I remember long before I married, I worked a "graveyard" shift. I was a Keypunch operator (anybody remember what that was?) and my shift was 11:30pm-8am. Some of the strangest thoughts used to occur to me as I sat there entering data! It seemed so deep at the time, and later when I tried to explain it -- I was in counseling -- it just sounded silly. Night thoughts are not to be trusted, I have learned, but they seem so real when you are having them.

So, getting back to Laura -- I usually would drift off to sleep after being tormented by thoughts and worries. At 4am my alarm would go off and I would get up to exercise. It was a relief! My mind would concentrate on the movement -- I would find the joy in it, and could then face my day with strength of mind, even if the body was weary.

She moved out a couple of weeks ago. I am no longer awakened at night by her sounds. I'm sleeping better. That's good, right? Well, the funny thing is that it's almost harder to get up at 4am now! The alarm is no longer my rescuer from an hour or so of worry, but is the shatterer of my sound sleep. But that's okay! I'm sure my body appreciates the rest. And I still love the exercise, though it takes a few extra minutes to get it going at full throttle.

But still... while I slumber at night, my baby girl is somewhere out there. What is she doing? Is she safe? Is another, more dreadful phone call coming early some morning? What am I sleeping through?

When I was Laura's age, I did so many stupid things. If my parents had known of just a few of them, they wouldn't have slept at all. God's grace kept me from irreparable harm and my parents never had to know. I pray His Hand protects her and brings her through.

I saw her for awhile one evening last week. She had dinner with us. She looked well, seemed happy and was very friendly. She even proudly showed me her new belly button piercing (when I told her dad about it, he was horrified!).

Dear Lord -- please watch over, guard and protect my dearest treasure!

Mother's Day

2007-05-13T08:18:00.000-07:00

Last week I scurried around to buy, wrap, pack and mail my mom's Mother's Day gift so she would have it by today. I got her a workout outfit, isn't that cool? She works out at Curves -- at age 80 -- and it was fun shopping to find her something she could wear when she's there. I never ever thought the day would come when I would buy a workout outfit for my mom! Shopping for workout clothing is something I enjoy doing for myself, so it was especially neat to be able to share that with my mom.

Today we'll go to my mother-in-law's facility and have brunch with her. Her dementia is pretty well holding the line at this point -- not getting much worse. Since the weather has been nicer, we have been able to get her out and around more, and I'm sure that has helped her. However, taking her to a restaurant today for brunch would have meant making her face crowds and possible long waits. Her facility just hired a new chef (from a country club, no less) and they are doing a special brunch today. Maybe, if she's up to it, we'll have her over to the house a little later. She's pretty cute sometimes!

Shopping for HER wasn't a whole lot of fun. She's hard to please -- used to have very good taste in clothing -- but won't wear short sleeves or capris. I managed to find a very cute embroidered spring jacket for her! Hope she'll like it.

My daughter moved out Wednesday. I think it was the best thing for her, and for me too. I think she'll manage her eating disorder better living with other people (she moved in with a girlfriend). She has developed some good habits as far as work is concerned, and at times showed more conscientiousness as far as not trashing our home and trying to pick up after herself. I think in living with others she may be able to further develop in some of these areas. I'm concerned about partying, but the people she "hangs" with are quite responsible, even though they do party. Maybe she'll learn from their example. Maybe not.

In any case, I think I've done all I can for her at this point. What I've taught her she'll carry inside; she'll either draw from it or trash it. That choice is hers, and I can't control it. So -- I let go. With love, hope and prayers! May God see her through and keep her safe.

So, it's Mother's Day. Laura said she'll stop by after work to wish me Happy Mother's Day. Brian and Curtis both are being good to me. It's good to have "a day".

But I think of those tiny babies I gave birth to... the toddlers, the little girl determined to ride that bike without falling over, the little boy who I sat with through many a long night when coughing kept him awake, the sullen teens who occasionally smiled, let down their guard and laughed with me, the beautiful young lady in her prom gown, the proud high school graduates, the young man heading off to his first job.

God -- I hope I did my job right!

Remembering Daddy

2007-03-13T16:42:00.000-07:00

It's been 25 years! It was March 14, 1982 -- a different world and I was a different person. When did everything change?

On March 14, 1982, I was a young bride, married not quite a year. Nobody owned a personal computer or a cell phone. There were no DVD players; VCRs and Beta players would shortly be on the scene. On television MTV had just gotten started and people talked about music videos maybe being the wave of the future. We watched 'Dallas' on tv. The Soviet Union was alive and well. Our country still bore the scars of Watergate; Ronald Reagan was the President and though we hadn't yet heard the phrase, it was morning in America.

I remember coming home from work on Friday, March 12. I was so glad it was Friday and so looking forward to a quiet night at home! The phone rang; it was my brother Gerry with the news that Mom and Daddy had been in an auto accident and Daddy was hurt pretty badly. Curtis was at work that evening, so Gerry picked me up and we drove from Orange County, California out to Loma Linda Hospital near San Bernardino.

We sat for hours waiting for news! I remember SCTV was playing some late night thing that made us hysterical with laughter as we waited to talk to the doctor. We dozed, we hit the vending machine for the very slim pickings. Finally the doctor came in. Daddy was critical and only time would tell. We left in the wee hours of Saturday and went to Mom's house. She was bruised and dazed.

Saturday and Sunday we drove back and forth to the hospital with Mom. Daddy was awake, had a breathing tube and quite agitated. Curtis joined us at some point. Sunday afternoon, March 14, we returned to Mom's house and were getting ready to head back to Orange County for the work week. Just as we were about to go out the door, the phone rang. It was the hospital telling us to come. "Drive safely, but get here as quickly as you can." By the time we arrived, Daddy was gone.

It didn't compute! The man was the ground where my life had its roots. He had a history of heart trouble and had been near death several times, but he always pulled through. It hadn't occurred to me that after almost 2 days he would die from this! We were numb. I remember going down in the elevator afterwards and a couple of kids got on who were laughing and having fun. I thought -- "Oh -- yeah! Real life..." It was comforting because we felt like we were suspended in some kind of unreal place.

Daddy was the first man I ever adored, of course! But my obesity drove a wedge between us. He wanted me to be fit and healthy. I remember when I was in 8th grade, he offered me $100 for a new wardrobe (in 1962 that would have been plenty) if I could get to 120 pounds. I never got there until many years after he died, though I came close a few times! Throughout my teen years, he paid for diet doctors and exercise programs and other sundry cures in hope of my becoming thin. I know my obesity worried him, and though he tried to not let me know it, I know he was ashamed of his fat daughter too. I took that shame upon myself. Bottom line though -- he loved me, and dreamed of the best for me!

He never met my children, Brian and Laura. How he would have adored them! Laura would have reminded him of his mother, who died when he was a young boy. I wonder if he would have remembered that August 19th, the day Laura was born, was also his mother's birthday! I never learned that until just a few years ago.

He never saw me conquer my obesity. But I did conquer it, Daddy! When last you saw me, I was a pudgy young bride; now I'm a fit middle aged mom. I love my children as you loved me and my heart is battered with pride, torment, heartbreak on account of that love. I blame myself for their problems; I pray for their safety and wellbeing. I understand -- now -- what you felt, and I forgive you for any hurt you caused me.

Twenty-five years are gone! My belief is that I'll see him again in some better place. Until then, may he rest in peace. He'll live always in my heart.

The Blizzard of 2007

2007-03-04T12:11:00.000-08:00

Or ... How I Discovered I am NOT Meant for Colder Climates!!!

On Thursday, March 1, I saw my very first bonafide blizzard. If I never see another one, I'll be just fine, thanks!

Last weekend was pretty well ruined for me because we had about 5" of snow. I was on call for work and had to help staff shifts that people were calling in for. So, instead of sitting by my fire on a Saturday evening watching the pretty snow fall, I was on the phone trying to talk people into going out in it to take jobs. No fun. But by Sunday morning, the melt began and the weather guys said smooth sailing for the forseeable future.

By Monday, another warm day with more melting, the weather guys said we might catch the tail end of a weather system come the middle of the week. It might be rain or a rain/snow mixture, depending on just how the system came together. As the week went on the talk became more ominous and by Wednesday morning, we were expecting rain changing to ice changing to snow to the tune of 4 -- 6 inches. The wind would cut down on visibility. It was supposed to hit Wednesday night.

So Thursday morning I got up around 4 to work out as I always do. I glanced outside and saw just a dusting of new snow, and it wasn't doing anything else. But by the time I got done with my workout, it was coming down hard sideways! I showered, looked out again and it was piling up fast. Like the winter weenie I am, I decided to call in for work -- something I hadn't done in more than 2 years.

Weather guys were still saying 5-8 inches by this time. But it was coming down hard and fast and by 9am some places already had 9 inches. And it was still coming down!

Laura happened to be off work that day. Brian's was cancelled, but Curtis had gone ahead on in. Around noon, his company as well as many others, decided to close and dismiss. So he had to fight his way home on roads he couldn't even see! He made it, but got stuck in the alleyway behind the house.

The snow stopped around 1-ish. We had more than a foot on the ground. And the roads were totally impassable.

Friday I SO wanted to call in again! But I sucked it up. The roads were horrible and more snow was expected. The wind was still high too. However, it went well for me. Though snow was spitting all day long, I was able to get home alright. However, shortly after I got home a snow squall passed through with almost whiteout conditions! It was gone within 20 minutes, but I knew Curtis and Brian were out in it. They made it home safely.

I thought we were through it until just after 8. Laura was due home from work. About 8:20 she called; she was in the alleyway and stuck. Curtis went down to try to help, but she got impatient and managed to break the clutch! So her car was blocking the alley. We called AAA; they said it might be 14 hours before they could get to us! I could just see the cops coming out and impounding the thing... But AAA came around 5 in the morning. And it's going to cost plenty to replace that clutch.

So -- my emotional reaction was not what I would want. I tend to feel that the storms of winter are aimed right at me. Stupid of course! But when that clutch broke I just fell apart. Oh, I had so had it with winter and snow and spinning tires and the awful sound they make! And with the fear of going out in it and getting stuck -- they spoke on the news of people who were stuck for HOURS on the road! And with the fear of getting in an accident and getting hurt. And with the HORRIBLE fear of being safe at home and knowing somebody I love is still out there battling to get home. I just fell apart, fretted most of the night and didn't sleep well at all.

I need to get some perspective on this. We've been here 9 years now and have dealt with winter before this. It's often inconvenient. But, in Tennessee we dealt with winter as well. The winters aren't as harsh there, but they can't cope with it as well when it does come. Just a few inches of snow can shut the town down! We also dealt with severe spring weather -- we do that here as well! In California we dealt with flooding and earthquakes. And God-awful traffic! This has been vastly inconvenient and nothing like the romantic winters I envisioned when I lived in the warmer climates. However, we remain safe, healthy and together. I call that a blessing. I need to enjoy that blessing while I still have it! Who knows how long I'll have it?

That same day a tornado struck a high school in Enterprise, Alabama. Children died, families were struck from nowhere with a devastating blow they never saw coming. It happens every day! I have to embrace my blessings -- even if I do have to pay for a broken clutch. I have my home, my family. And a winter wonderland! (well, I'm not embracing that particular blessing)

It's March now. Winter's days are numbered. I hope there is little if any snow left for us! I heard on the news that the Sandhill Cranes have begun their annual spring migration -- I hope it's because they sense that it's safe to come back.

And by the time I go to work tomorrow, the major roads will be pretty well back to normal. A blessing! While I sit in the morning rush, I'll embrace it.

To Set Myself Straight...

2007-02-18T16:26:00.000-08:00

Curtis' mom is becoming a royal pain. She was apparently 90 pounds of holy terror in the hospital, to the point where they had to tie her down. The first night she was there, the phone rang shortly after we went to bed; the staff asked Curtis to come over and try to calm her down. He went, had no effect and they ended up having to drug and restrain her. The last night she was there she called after midnight and demanded he come get her out. (There was a bit of a blizzard raging at the time) Then she called in the morning and left a snide message about how he double crossed her.

She is checked in now at the medical center of her residential facility to be evaluated as to whether she can return to her independent living or whether she will need a greater level of care. She is much more rational now that she is not in the hospital, but it's almost like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'm having hard feelings, and this makes me feel awful! I keep reminding myself that she and Curtis' dad GAVE us the money for the downpayment of our first home -- an outright gift. That she drove me around in my last month of pregnancy when I had such a hard time carrying a huge baby, my own 300+ pounds and was dealing with toxemia and gestational diabetes. That when the kids were little and we couldn't always get out, she would always bring us a spaghetti dinner to go whenever they went to our favorite spaghetti place. Of all the innumerable kindnesses she poured on my family and me over the years! And of her unselfish devotion to her own son, my husband, during his childhood. And how she nursed her husband in their home during his final days, allowing him to die at home in his own bed.

This mean woman we see at times is not my mother-in-law! This is the horrible disease of dementia. It wears her face and speaks with her voice, but it's not her.

In my work, we refer caregivers to people like my mother-in-law -- the elderly who need assistance their families cannot provide. Now I know first hand what our clients' families live with. Man, what a devastating disease!

I hoped maybe typing this out would help me sort it out in my mind. I want to give her -- and my husband, her son -- the same loving support she has given us over the years. The hard feelings have to go!!

I didn't sleep well last night. Too much stuff going through my mind. Sometimes in the wee hours it feels that the world is just closing in! Imagine that very normal middle-of-the-night feeling when you are afflicted with dementia! No wonder they had to tie her down...

This morning I did my "active rest" workout -- a fun Latin dance routine followed by a great 15 minute stretch segment. This week's rotation will feature aerobic/toning mix, a long dance routine, my newest step workout and probably some Turbo Jam somewhere along the line. I haven't narrowed down the Thursday and Saturday workouts yet. Planning is always part of the fun!

Moms, Daughters, Sweatin' and Laughter! -- oh my

2007-02-15T17:29:00.000-08:00

Well, my mother-in-law got admitted to the hospital after all yesterday! She was feverish and dehydrated. Because of the dementia, she was unable to follow a course of medication and drinking juice, so they admitted her. What a Valentine's Day! I didn't see Curtis at all until 11pm. He was so tired! He'd been with her all day.

It was funny, though! I knew he had bought me something last week because he told me the ATM amount but wouldn't show the receipt. But then this morning he said he was sorry he hadn't gotten me anything because of all the stuff with his mom! So tonight I said, "Didn't you get me something when you were at Border's last weekend?" He squinted, then said "Oh YEAH!!!" and gave me the classic movie DVD he had picked up. All the stuff with his mom knocked it clear out of his memory banks! We agreed it was a pretty hideous Valentine's Day and got a good laugh out of it.

Laura is, I think, doing well with her new job and liking it alright. She is aware that she doesn't HAVE to like her job! I've had jobs I hated, but I went because I had to, and she's pretty much in the same position now. Fortunately I love the one I have now! Anyway, I don't think she hates this one; maybe she'll like it and maybe this will be a turning point, now that she has the license back! Hope springs eternal.

And I did a workout this morning that I haven't done in probably a year. I had dismissed it as "too easy", but I enjoyed the heck out of it! I concentrated on form and really got some good out of it. I think the "too easy" rap came about because it's intended for women over 40 (and I certainly qualify!). Being in good shape, I thought I was beyond that. But a good workout can grow with you, and I am finding more and more that some of my old favorites are still fun and challenging! Truly, it's not the exercise that makes the difference, but the effort you put into it.

I'm still working on breaking away from my particular "demon"! Oh, the mind understands so much, but the emotions get so tangled. I've escaped other snares, and I KNOW victory is out there! I'm plugging away.

Minus 5 degrees was today's low!!! But -- they have PROMISED a Pattern Change and a Warming Trend. Amen, and amen! Bring it on.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

2007-02-14T13:36:00.000-08:00

Love is in the air! Or at least, the scent of roses and chocolate... Always a fun day.

The arctic blast continues! Since about the first of the year we have been freezing with temps way below normal. Every time it has tried to warm up, it would snow and then back into the deep freeze we go! We have new snow on the ground now, and the temp is holding around 5 degrees.

I'm tired of winter! I get mad everytime I hear the weather report. I can't stand our local grinning weatherman. I'm sick of my heavy clothing and coats. I don't like having to put on gloves. Whine, whine.... okay, I'm done!

Only a few weeks until spring.

Laura got her Driver's license back this week! She has agreed to our terms for use of the car and her intentions appear to be good. I've often had good intentions and then messed up immediately, so I wish her luck! She also started a new job today. She got fired from the last one, but I can't say that I'm sorry she was! Somehow a "Cocktail Waitress" didn't seem like the wisest choice for her. Her job now is in the customer service department of a large local company and it's full time. Fingers are crossed, prayers are being sent.

Curtis' mom hasn't been feeling too well. She thought she was coming down with a cold and even called Curtis late last night to ask for medicine. He told her where to find the medicine he had already bought her. I was somewhat irritated! Here it was icy and below zero out. But then this morning when he went over, she really wasn't doing too well at all. He took her to the nurse at the facility. The nurse called the ambulance and she headed off to the E.R. with Curtis following along behind! Turns out she was quite dehydrated. So now I feel bad... Anyway, they sent her home with some meds and instructions to drink plenty of juice. All turned out okay! Thank God.

My Valentine's Day workout was Gilad's brand new Elite Forces workout. I really enjoyed it, and I loved the "crew" of military young'uns who were exercising with him!

We're supposed to have choir practice tonight, but I'm going to lobby to stay home where it's warm. I'll bet nobody will fight me too hard on it!

It's not the most romantic Valentine's Day I ever had, but all the loved ones are doing okay. I'm grateful for that!

So Many Workouts, So Little Time...

2007-02-05T10:35:00.000-08:00

I'm happy to say my workout joy is indeed recovered!

This morning I did the Christi Taylor "Totally Cool Step" workout I did on New Year's morning. That was the day Laura ridiculed me from the other room. She was drunk; it still hurt! And I was kind of dreading doing it again, even though it is one of my favorites! I have "scheduled" it several times, but always substituted something else.

But this morning I didn't wimp out. I did it, enjoyed it and worked up a great sweat. I also did the add-on abs segment.

I have noticed recently that my abs are working better than ever! Now, I really don't enjoy doing crunches, even though I do them. I prefer standing ab work or using a stability ball -- something about crunches I guess takes me back to the days when "sit ups" were such an ordeal. I've noticed I'm doing higher lifts more easily with the standard crunches -- especially on the lower abs work! Yay -- it's paying off. It's good to see improvements!

I did a "tough" Cathe Freidrich workout last week -- "Cardio and Weights" -- another I had been putting off. It went well and I had fun! I am looking forward to scheduling it again soon!

Oh, and Gilad has a new cardio workout coming soon, which I have pre-ordered. He's a favorite.

My workout time remains my island of sanity. It belongs totally to me and I cherish it. Now I just have to figure out what I'm going to do for the rest of this week! Decisions, decisions...

Wanted -- One Miracle .... ASAP!!!!

2007-01-25T10:09:00.000-08:00

I absolutely adore my daughter.

I am absolutely furious with my daughter.

It looks like she will be getting her driver's license back soon. That's good, and will be a relief, but it's also a worry. I have hinted to her that she will not have the same freedoms with the car that she enjoyed before her DUI. She has told me that she will fight this! However, the car is registered to us, not to her, so we can certainly make this stick. The other option is to sell the car, and I'm willing.

Current plan: she will be able to use the car pretty much whenever she likes, but she needs to let us know where she will be and when she will return. NO DRINKING AND DRIVING period (she agrees with that part). If she doesn't comply, then she'll use the car only to travel to and from work and for court-related business. If that doesn't work, we sell the car and she can take public transportation.

She will argue this! I plan to ask her to explain to me how she has demonstrated her ability to be responsible enough for us to trust over the past few months. (of course, she knows very well she has demonstrated nothing of the kind, but she will make many promises) I will then explain to her how she has demonstrated that we can't trust her with our property (let me count the ways!!!).

She will agree reluctantly and will try to "get around" us. I hate this, but that's what will happen.

Here is what's ripping me up -- I'm SO angry with her for all she has put us through! Yet, I love her so very much. She's not seen much of that lately, and I know she's just as angry at herself if not more. I don't want to drive her to self-destruct, or (worst case scenario) suicide. I haven't seen any inkling of that yet, but the thought terrifies me.

Our family needs a miracle about now! I know of nothing else that will bring us through. I'm praying, and I know others are too.

An early valentine for Curtis

2007-01-22T10:18:00.000-08:00

Winter is here for sure! It has snowed 3 out of the last 4 weekends, after a warm and snow-free start. The weather folks say we are heading into a warmer and dryer pattern, and I'm hoping they know what they are talking about. Snow does cramp my style!

I wanted to note that I am feeling a greater appreciation for Curtis, my husband. He went out to California to "rescue" his mom from being alone with dementia and no family. He handled everything very well, even getting stranded at the airport with her on the way back. He got her settled into an independant living facility here, visits her twice a day to give her her medication because she would forget that she took it, and puts up with her taking little sniping jibes at him. Additionally, he goes out in snowstorms in the middle of the night to pick up Laura from work, because her license is still suspended. He makes sure to take our son Brian out to eat for their customary weekend meals out. I worry about him getting burned out, and have pretty much made sure he's not doing too many chores around the house. He's a really giving person, and I hope he's finding enough time for himself!

I have to admit I haven't thought too much about Curtis for several years -- I've pretty much taken him for granted. He can get on my last nerve at times. I haven't been very loving with him! I just haven't been the wife he deserves. I've been too wrapped up with my own stuff... too wrapped up with the kids... And I don't really know how to fix it now!

What I'm doing is just trying to be nicer, more thoughtful, more attentive. It's a good place to start. I want to mend the fences between us. I'm not even sure he is aware there are fences to be mended! But I know. And I'm going to have to be the one to start it. He's got enough on his plate now with his mom around!

In the end, in a few years his mom will be gone and our kids will have moved on. I hope by then we'll have a great comfortable relationship we can enjoy!

Not just good, but.... Grrrrrrrrrr-eat!!!!!!

2007-01-17T10:16:00.000-08:00

Hear me roar!!! I had such a splendid workout this morning! Oh, it's so grand to start out a day like this.

I had planned a low intensity step workout this morning, but at the last moment I changed my mind and grabbed Cathe Friedrich's new Low Impact Circuit. I did the cardio blast premix. I had done this one only once before and didn't remember being all that impressed with it. It is low impact (good for my knees), but quite high intensity. It's about 50 minutes, and by the time I got done my hair was all matted to my head by sweat! The sign of a great cardio session! (though it might be scary to small children!!) Then I grabbed the 10 Minute Solution Dance dvd and did the Ab Attack portion, which is all standing ab work, done dance-style. Great great fun!

This is how a workout can change the complexion of a day. I went to pour my post-workout cup of coffee (a much-anticipated reward after my morning workouts) only to find my coffeemaker had malfunctioned! There was no coffee to be had! Well, many a morning there would have been wailing and gnashing of teeth (not quite, but it would have been traumatic). This morning, I simply grabbed a jar of Instant and dealt with it. I had so many good vibes from the workout that even the lack of my brewed coffee couldn't knock me off my pace!

How blessed I am, that I love to work out and that I can have these wonderful sessions to start my day!

Casting Out Demons

2007-01-16T08:46:00.000-08:00

I am trying to break a bad habit. It's not important to say here what that habit is! It's been going on for over 6 years now, though, and I've tried off and on before to break it. There are times I have been successful -- for a short while. Then either I miss it and and seek it out again (just this once -- riiiiiiiight!!!) or it sort of "finds" me without my effort, and I fall back in.

I was reading in the Bible the other night. In the Book of Luke, Jesus talks about how a demon, once cast out, looks around for a new host. If he doesn't find one, he returns to the place he was cast out from, and, finding it swept clean, moves back in and takes over more forcefully than ever before. And it hit me like a brick!

It's not enough to just stop doing a bad behavior!! No, even self-destructive behaviors are feeding some kind of deep need. In order to REALLY break the bond, we must find another way to feed that need.

For example, I had WLS and it inhibited me in my overeating. I struggled with "head hunger" and for awhile, I "grazed", short-circuiting my weight loss. Eventually I took control and the pounds came off. How was I feeding the "inner hunger"? Well, I replaced the overeating with shopping for cute clothes and the adventure of experiencing things I could never do as an obese person. Later I added in exercise videos and workout clothes. I see that "acquisition" tends to be a theme in my life. This particular habit I'm working on now is yet another aspect of the need to HAVE.

It's not even that this thing fully feeds that inner hunger. No, rather it feeds some aspects of it in a way I've not approached before, but falls woefully short in all other areas. It's been more frustrating than satisfying. The "benefits" it gives me are not worth the cost -- the frustrations and more importantly the loss of my self-respect.

So the healthy acquisitions are the "keepers" and the self-destructive ones (the current one being the most urgent) are the ones that need to be replaced. It's not enough to just stop -- the hunger has to be fed! If it's not, then I'll find myself reaching out again in a few short days or weeks, or being tempted again and falling -- sooner or later.

What can I find -- something healthy and positive -- to refill the empty places? I know that the inner me can acquire fullness by giving instead of getting! When I worked with kids choir at church, I really got a lot of inner satisfaction. And playing the piano was another way of feeding the inner me.

So, now that the self-destructive behavior is on hiatus, I need to find a replacement. Something positive, that will make me feel good about myself. A couple of things come to mind to start with:
1. Returning to studying my Bible on my own. It feeds my soul and my brain.
2. Returning to my piano playing. That will be a little harder because of time constraints, but I'm going to give it a try.
I've done these things before, though. So I'm still desperately seeking something to fill that inner need -- before that demon comes back, finds a clean house and moves back in!

There you have it! A mission...

In Love Again!

2007-01-15T09:59:00.000-08:00

Ever since Laura blasted away my first workout of the year, I have been having problems with motivation. I just hadn't been feeling the love anymore! Getting up to work out became a chore and a burden. However, I continued to do my workouts, and I did have fun doing them -- once I forced myself to get started. But I guess I felt like something sacred to me was violated. I made way more of a big deal out of it than it really was, as far as what she said! After all, it was just a drunk girl who was angry at herself lashing out at the nearest person! That is a concern on a whole other level, of course, but it shouldn't effect my workouts at all.

But somehow this weekend the joy came back. I guess it was Saturday -- I did a Turbo Jam I haven't done very often, followed by one of my favorite "The Firm" workouts. Somewhere during that time, I lost track of time and just got INTO it again. Oh, it felt so good! I had thought seriously about taking Sunday off from working out -- it's usually an "active rest day" for me, which just means I do something less intense. But I decided to do a Latin dance workout and it went will too. And then this morning I joined Gilad in "Getting Fit in Jerusalem", which I just think is such a FUN workout! So I think I'm back in the groove. God, I'm so glad.

As for Laura, I've been a little cold with her ever since New Year's. She has really been on her best behavior, even getting up on her own to go to church with us. She has been pleasant most of the time too. I just hope she is beginning to get the concept that there ARE consequences to your actions, and you can't erase them by "acting nice". It hurts me and I really miss the warm relationship we have often enjoyed in the past. I hope she'll start meeting her responsibilities -- she has fines she has to pay and other obligations the court has imposed. So far she has been ignoring them, and other than giving her an occasional reminder, I have left everything up to her. She got herself into this situation and will have to get herself out.

In the meantime, my love for her is undimmed by all this. I know she's hurting, and I hurt with her, though right now I'm not showing that side to her. I know she feels bad for what she has put the family through. I know she loves us. I hope we'll connect again someday -- I think it will happen. She has lots of people praying for her!

I'm glad my exercise apathy appears to have been a momentary thing. I think it's like any great love! Sometimes, when you are in love, your ardor cools and maybe the person even annoys you. And then you fall in love all over again! And somehow the attachment is stronger than ever.

We had the lovliest fluffy snowfall yesterday! Today I'm freezing my butt off, but the roads are clear and the sun is out.

All is well.

The New Year's Eve Fiasco

2007-01-11T08:49:00.000-08:00

I always have high hopes for a new year, particularly when the old year was not such a good one. 2006 was one of the most stressful years I ever had! So I faced 2007 with hope that perhaps the sunshine would come back soon.

On New Year's eve, my daughter Laura snuck out of the house and went to a party. She is 19 and on probation for DUI. We missed her after about 15 minutes and tried to call her. She didn't answer for quite awhile; when she finally did she told us where she was and that she would be back "whenever". Of course I was furious! Needless to say, 2006 ended with yet another sleep-deprived night.

When I came down to work out on New Year's morning, she was passed out on the sofa, dead drunk. I tried to get her to go upstairs, and she jumped up, started breakfast for herself and raged at me, calling me a "crazy bitch". I know it was liquor talking, so I tried to ignore her and started my workout.

Then she started sneering at me. She said I was a joke and looked stupid. I was doing a step workout -- one of my favorites, in fact -- and she was making all these mean remarks in the background. I almost lost my concentration and tripped a couple of times.

I kept everything together until she finally went upstairs. When I finished the workout, I collapsed in tears -- not because of the stupid stuff she said, of course, but because she was so cruel and obviously hates me so much. My husband came in and wrapped me in his arms, sweaty though I was!

Later on when she was sobered up, I told her that what she said was very cruel and that if she really hates me so much, she should move out. She claimed not remember saying those things and claimed she does not hate me. That night she left me a beautiful note, apologizing for what she said, assuring me she is proud of me for the way I work out and that she hates only herself. It would have meant something to me to get a note like that not too long ago!

But I have detached myself from her since then. I love her with all my heart. I would kick her out of the house, but honestly she doesn't have anywhere to go and I would never be able to live with myself if I kicked her out and something horrible happened to her. So all I can do is hold on, knowing that once she gets through her legal stuff, she'll want to get away from us as much as I want her to leave! We can sign the car over to her (once she gets her license back) so we won't be legally liable for anything she does and let her live her life whatever way she wants to live it.

She has been on her good behavior since the New Year's eve fiasco. But I don't believe anything she says and I haven't even gotten into all the hassles her eating disorder are causing for us! Home is no longer a haven for me! There is no safe place.

Anyway, 2007 is off to a poor start -- but I choose to believe the sunshine is out there somewhere. May it come soon!

Blog-challenged blonde

2007-01-10T10:48:00.000-08:00

Happy 2007!

So, for days now I've been trying to get into my blog. Well, I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I couldn't even get signed on. I tried and tried, and everything would just freeze up. I had so much I wanted to say!

Finally the moment arrived. I made another sign-on attempt and voila!!! There I was. Yay! I did the happy dance ... but wait!!! No blog to be found. It's still out there to read, but no way for me to get into it!!

So, after a few attempts I decided to re-create my original blog. This will make attempt number 3, and then this non-techie blonde will give up on blogging. Or try to find a "Host" that's a little more non-geek friendly!

Here goes... Keeping my fingers, toes and eyes crossed that I'll be able to get back in here some fine day!!